Is it worth the space?

Someone has rightly said "we don't remember the days but we remember the moments". We remember those times we enjoyed with friends, the times when we had a good family get together dinner, holding your partners hand and walking on the beach.
These memories are buried in some corner of our hearts. They come onto the surface when one sits and broods of the times gone by. You miss those good times when your present is going through a rough patch. To think of your struggles, the battle you fought when you reach a certain milestone in your life.
Some people take it to the next step. They collect artifacts that remind them of those times.

As I was packing my stuff to relocate, I found my pandoras box. I collect tickets of movies, stage shows, concerts, football tennis games that I had been to and enjoyed. Bills from restaurants I have dined at. Behind it I would write the names of people I went with. Each ticket has its own story, has its own incident and memory attached to it. When I look at the Davenport v/s Sharapova match ticket, it narrates how we were sun burnt watching the game. The ticket for the hindi movie "Taal" from 1999 reminds me how we landed for the wrong show (Read here).

And now as I see this bag, I realize I have only touched it over the years to simply add to the collection. I haven't had a chance to enjoy its worth. Haven't got the time, to sit back and remember those times. It makes me question myself, if it is worth the effort and the space. I am not doing it so that I can get my thrills when I am sixty nor do I want to store them for my grandchildren to learn about the fun times in my life.

But in today's world, do we have time for ourselves? Do we get the time to look back at the days gone by without worrying of the days yet to come.
To quote William Henry Davies from the poem Leisure (learnt this poem in high school)
"What is life if, full of care,We have no time to stand and stare."

I don't...Do you?

Remembering you

There are some people who walk into your life, touch you, care for you and you want them to stay. *Be friends for ever*. But what if, they are looking for something more?

"S" was just a collegue in my undergraduate college. We both were in different majors and so the interaction in those days was no more than "hi" and "hello". She was one of my friend's girl friend's best friend. After graduation, she got a job in Bombay and I came to do my masters in US. There was a tragedy in her life and I emailed her my condolences. Little did I know that the email would bring us closer.
We began exchanging emails daily. We would talk about our schedules, work and little things going on in our lives. It was more of getting to know each other. I had made a new friend in her. We had common interests and I would look forward to her replies to my email.
She got an opportunity to come to US on a company project. She was excited about it and grabbed it. The written conversations were now replaced by talking on the phone. She hardly knew any one in this country so I would try to make myself available for her whenever she felt lonely.

Like in all friendships, we would have our share of arguements too. She was someone who would get upset easily over trivial issues. Bang the phone down and then I would have to coax her and pacify here. It started to irritate me when this started happening way too often, but then I would let it go, considering the loneliness and being all by herself was taking its toll on her.

I got a job on the west coast. The three hour time difference now made it more difficult to communicate with her on a daily basis. I would have just gotten back home from work/gym and it would almost be her bed time. I couldn't simply put other things on a hold, and devote time to talk to her. I would try to make her understand that she was calling me up when she was free, done with her chores and had time on hand, but I wasn't free then. I would often encourage her to mix with collegues in office, make new friends out there and so she wouldnt feel alone.

During one such regular conversation, where I was trying to cheer her up and ask her to invite some collegues home, so she would get to know them better. She curtly shot back that why I was always trying to push her away from me. Thats when it struck me that she was expecting something more than friendship from me. But from myside, I had could only see her a friend, someone who I cared for. I never saw myself taking it to the next level with her.

But my carings for her, my words, the comfort level she felt talking to me made her wish for something more. I couldnt not give her that at this time and neither did I want her to live in hopes that it could happen in the future. What if it didn't.

It was her decision that we better stop talking to each other then as it would only make her wish for more. I was clear in my stand that if she ever needed a friend, I would be a phone call away.
Its been 5 months since we spoke. I remember her when I see the red tshirt she gave me in the wadrobe, I think of her when I see her name in the phone book. At times, I want to know if she is doing fine. But it was her decision that we don't stay in touch.
Its her birthday today I can only wish her happy returns in my mind.

Is it so simple to simply remove someone from your thoughts....from your life?

Selective Answering

Before the advent of caller ID, everytime the phone rang, the excitement and the suspense to know who is calling would live, till you actually answered the phone. But now, things have changed.

Five step process in answering calls on your cell phone
1. Phone rings
2. Look at the caller ID to see who is calling
(ugghhh it is the irritating friend again, someone you are not in mood to talk to, number not in your phone book, private/unidentified number calling)
3. Don't answer, let it go to your voicemail
4. Call up your voice mail, listen to the message to know the reason
5. Call back only if the reason was appealing enough.

Do you selectively answer calls as well?

Feeling light as a feather

Finally the moment to muster all the courage and pounce upon my boss came late friday afternoon. 4:45 p.m to be precise. I caught him by surprise but then the way he reacted I must admit made me respect him all the more. He was sorry that this position did not live up to my expectations satisfaction and he took it in stride. He said that one must pursue what gives happiness after all we the shapers of our own career. We spoke for almost 2 hours, and he shared his experiences down the road. It was heart warming.At the end of it, I was feeling so relieved.One thing I realized it is all in our mind, we create a completely different world with our notions and how people would apparently react to the situations. The real world however is completely different and unpredictable and its not as bad as we think it is.
Phew!! one task off my list of to do things, does make it a lot easier to concentrate on the other steps. I had placed an ad for an apartment on Sulekha, got a couple of responses. Will have to go check them out soon. Packing is currently underway. It is getting there..albeit, one step at a time.

This morning, wore the last pair of fresh clothes I had, which meant I *had to* do laundry today. I hate doing it cause it takes almost 2 hours of your precious time and then ironing clothes something which takes me forever to do and I still get the creases messed up.I really miss the dhobi in bombay, who would come home, take clothes and bring them ironed the next day.The only plus point of doing laundry is, the visual treat for your eyes in store. Have you ever run into a blonde while she is doing her laundry, she literally would have put all the clothes she has in the washer and would be running up and down the laundry room in the bare essentials.

Playing hide and seek with boss

Firstly heart felt thanks to everyone for their wishes and guidance. Per your advise I have decided to convey the news to him personally.

So wednesday night I wrote a formal resignation letter and pepped myself to approach him the first thing on Thursday morning.
But the game of hide and seek was apparently in store. I reached office to find out that he has still not returned from his trip. No one in office knew if he would be in later though. So I wrote him an email asking some work related stuff and also in the last line politely enquired if he would be in. He didnt reply to the email until late Thursday saying that he had flight delays and would be in on Friday. Thus the task got postponed by one more day. In the meantime, I purchased some boxes and have started the difficult task of packing. Hopefully, I can get done most of it this weekend.

Whenever my manager is back from travel, the next day he comes to office early so that he can catch up with everything (email etc). I thought it would be the perfect, to reach office early, before most of them got in. Couldnt sleep much last night, as I had too much stuff going on at the back of my mind and then getting up early is an added worry too. Reached office at 7:30, only to find my manager on some conference call on the east coast. Waited anxiously till he got done. Next thing I notice he is chatting with some collegue something non work related. After which he walks into my cubicle and catches me unawares. I was reading some news, he hands me a list of work to be done for the next couple of weeks and says we will go over it shortly. I was left speechless.
Thought maybe, when he sits with me to discuss the tasks to be done, I would tell him. He got into a meeting with another collegue and that went on forever. This meant I would be able to meet him only after lunch.
I ran after him, as he was walking out to go for lunch to confirm our meeting and he said "Have a lunch appointment now, talk to you later in the afternoon!"

And here I sit with a heavy heart waiting to blurt out "I quit!"

Weird Am I?

You know how it feels when you crave for a particular thing, day and night you think about it, you want it so bad. When it finally falls in your lap, you are grateful, your joys know no bounds. Right then a realization strikes, a truth dawns on you of the additional baggage, the thing you wanted has brought along with it.

You all know, I was sending out my resume, looking for other opportunities. There were days where I so very much wanted to leave my current job. Yesterday I got a offer from one of the companies I interviewed with and I accepted it. Yippie!! I am definitely grateful and happy. The position offers more learning opportunity than my current job and I am no doubt excited.
But then hours after the truth sank in.

• I will now have to inform my manager and other collegues at my current job
I don't know how they are going to take it? Will they feel stabbed in the back? Will they feel cheated? They had surely invested in me to start with, relocation expenses, visa fees etc, but then I gave it my all, worked and fulfilled my responsibilities. Now I am clueless how to initiate a conversation with my manager and how to tell him that I am quitting? He is on travel today and will be in office tomorrow morning. Should it be via email or in person? Someone please guide me on this.

• Pack up everything at home
When I first relocated here, I had to bring all my stuff in 2 big bags and 5 boxes but then I didn't have any furniture with me. The very thought of packing everything seems like a herculean task and when you know that you will be unpacking it again soon, you so very much don't feel like doing it.

• Find a new apartment
It is never to easy to find an apartment that meets your needs, is close to your workplace and the rent fits your budget. And then settling in your new place. Changing addresses with banks, credit cards, insurance

• Wind up my current projects, clear my desk, my work machine
Now the projects that I have been slogging day in and out, they are literally like my babies, the code, the applications. I don't feel like leaving them without knowing how they are going to perform, if they were successful. I will have to clear all the files, the books and every little thing on my desk.

• Fear of the new
Then there is the apprehension of the new. How the new work enviornment is going to be. How are the people around going to treat me.

• India Trip
Would no longer be able to do my one month planned trip in December. It will be one year since I last visited. Would have to postpone it for 2006.

• Time Factor
To top it all, all this has to be tackled within a week and I don't know where to start at.

There is so much to deal with, so much to rush and do, its too much stress.
But then probably I have faced all of it before when I moved in here and so this time too I am gearing myself up for the challenge.

Of First Paycheck and Smart Cards

Jaggu wanted me to write how I spent my first pay check

One thing that I really like about America is how parents teach their kids to be independent. The kids at a young age, are encouraged to work part time and take care of their little expenses. It is a little different and easier in India, where children are taken care off till they graduate and stand on their own feet. So I never worked in India. The only reason I came to Sam's land was to be independent, carve a niche for myself and to do my family proud.

Being the bollywood buff that I am, I had seen in the movies, how the main lead decides to take on the world, struggles to find a job and then gets his first salary and buys presents for his near and dear ones.
The whole family then rejoices and celebrates. I would then say to myself, that one day I so very much want to do the same.
My first jobs were at the food court and tutoring and they paid enough to take care of living expenses (rent and food). Its in the second semester of my Masters degree that I got scholarship from the university and worked as a programmer for an organization on campus. I claim that as my first job on my resume. When I got my first paycheck, I sincerely wired all of it to my folks back home. Pampered myself with a digicam and bought lunch for my friends with the next one.

You know how girls love mushy cards with poems and phrases written inside, found these funny ideas for cards that will take you aback

• I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After meeting you....
  (on the inside)
  I changed my mind!!!



• I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
  (on the inside)
  I never believed in hell until I met you !!



• As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
  (on the inside)
  That you are not around to ruin it for me



• Someday I hope to marry....
  (on the inside)
  Someone other than you.



• We have been friends for a long time..
  (on the inside)
  What do you say we stop?



• When we were together you said you would die for me...
  (on the inside)
  Now we've broken up, I think it is time to keep your promise



• I am so miserable without you
  (on the inside)
  It's almost like you are still here



• Looking back o'er the years, We've been together, I can't help wonder..
  (on the inside)
  What was I thinking?



• You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
  (on the inside)
  I'd miss you terribly and think of you often
  

Cheers!!!

Lies, Lies and More Lies

What is this life,
if it is only full of lies?

It makes me ponder and wonder that lying is becoming so much a part and parcel of one's life that the truth seems to have gone several layers deep into oblivion. Its either the truth is too bitter to handle or you fear being misunderstood.

1. You *have to* lie to your parents who are seven seas away that you are eating properly and are fit and fine
(When infact you have a terrible headache, surviving on noodles and salads...)
You don't want them to get worried unneccesary.

2. You have a project report due, an assignment to submit in a few days, when your boss/professor questions on its progress
You confidently say it is coming along well.
Why can't we simply say I havent yet started work on it...
You fear it might affect your progress report, he will think you are too lazy and insincere.

3. You are selling your car and boldly advertise it as running in top condition, well maintained.
Why do we have to hide that the brake pads are a little loose, oil changes havent been taken care of periodically.
But we need to get back the high price we had paid to buy it.

4. You are sitting in a social circle where everyone is boasting about how well they are doing. Everyone else seems to be claiming that there life is all rosy and cosy. Do you then talk about the thorns in your life. Heck no! Its a matter of social esteem.

5. You enter chat rooms or browse the matrimonial ads- Everyone says they are fair and beautiful/handsome.
If that were the case why are the fair and lovely cream makers doing so well in their business?
Or probably I get it now...people are always refering to their inner beauty.

6. Talk about the monday morning syndrome, where on being asked "how was your weekend", you *have to* reply back as "Great" very well knowing the fact the person actually doesnt care to know that you didnt have a good one and then *forcibly ask* "How was yours", even when you yourself are not interested in the answer. Also in other cases as described by ROS here, you *have to* answer you are doing fine, when you actually are feeling miserable.
Cause simply people don't care.

What ever the reasons may be to justify your doing, but the truth is you lie. You lie to keep others happy, you lie to keep yourself in good books of others.

If so is the case, is there any room left anywhere for truth?

Ticket checks

Of the three movies that released this weekend, checked out Garam Masala (Hot Spice).
If you thought that Akshay Kumar, Paresh Rawal and Priyadarshan would recreate the same magic like Hera Pheri, then this is no way close to that. The movie was strictly moderate. No story but it has a fair share of comic moments and jokes that keep your funny bone tickled. The three bimbettes only add to the face value of the package, but when it comes to acting, they better keep their mouth shut. Rimi Sen doesnt have much to do. On the whole, it was a simply time pass and you come out of the hall humming "Ada" and "Dil Samundar".

While on movies, one incident is worth mentioning. It happened way back in 1999 but it was a lesson to remember. Whenever there is a big movie lined up for release, there is a huge craze and everyone wants to be the first ones to watch it. There are serpentine queues at the ticket window when plans open. Here in US, I have seen the rush for tickets when Star Wars III released but in India it happens for every other movie.

When Taal was to hit the screens, me and my bunch of friends from college wanted to watch it first day first show on Friday. Lectures and lab practicals did come in the way, so we decided to get hold of tickets for Saturday. I sent my house servant in the wee hours of the morning to be amongst the first ones to wait in the queue and get the tickets. Throughout the week we boasted to everyone else that we were going to watch the movie before they did. On the "D" day on saturday, we reached the movie hall. One of my friends was running late, so we waited for him to show up. We reached our seats to find they were already filled. We claimed that they were our seats and those other guys disagreed and were not ready to budge. We called the usher to resolve this matter. With a torch in one hand, he checked both the tickets and said that we had tickets for yesterday (Friday). It was so embarrasing and to top it all I had to face the brunt from my friends. Oh well, my servant did hear it from me is another story but I learnt my lesson for ever. Such a simple thing of checking the date on tickets cost me dearly, not only did the tickets go waste, I had to buy lunch for my friends to pacify them.
Cut to today, any tickets (movie, plane etc) that I purchase, the first thing my eyes look for is to see if the date is correct.

Lunch time favors

Often on Fridays, a couple of us from office go out to lunch together. Today, the junta was in mood of going to the steak house and so I politely declined.
Now I had the goliath task of deciding where to go out for lunch. Burgers, fries, subway and tacobell were all ruled out as I have had an overdose of them this week. Other places that I could think of couldn't be enjoyed in solitude. So I figured it would be good opportunity to hit one of the buffet joints and stuff myself. And pizza hut lunch buffet it was, even if it meant sweating an extra hour at the gym in the evening.

One of the things that really scares me out at these pizza buffet joint is the obese people that you see around. No offense to them, but some of my friends would joke that these buffet joints are the sole reason for their obesity.
I filled my plate with a few slices of pizza and some salad at the side and took my seat. Now when you are all by yourself, you tend to look around to see what mischeif the people in the adjoining table were upto, you become more nosy, try to strain your ears to overhear some conversation. I had found my victim. They were sitting in the next booth. An old black "Momma" woman complaining (read bitching) about her "honey" "sweet" little daughter to her husband. The accent, the double negation in her sentences and the bitchy deed her daughter was upto formed an amusing conversation to keep myself entertained.
In the mean time, the table, diagonally across which was vacant finally got its occupant. A beautiful looking white caucasian lady with her 10 year old son. Now thats when my fun was interrupted.
Whenever I looked at her table, I found her staring at me. I thought she would have noticed I am becoming too inquistive about the black couples conversation, so I started to mind my own business. Now if you notice that someone is looking at you, you tend to check back after a few minutes to see if that is still continuing. Checked her from the corner of my eye and she was still staring. My hair was combed fine, pants zipped up and I had not spilled pizza sauce on my shirt. And this made me feel uneasy and uncomfortable. I decided to look straight at her and give her a smile, probably to initiate a conversation to see what was wrong. I got no response from her but now I was cent percent sure, that she didn't have a squint in her eyes and she was indeed looking at me. I scratched my head to think if I knew this woman even remotely or if I had ever seen her somewhere. This was the first time I had ever seen her.
Now had it been a blonde girl in her twenties staring at me, I would have felt happy and probably shamelessly gone and spoken to her. But this woman was making me loose my appetite. I wanted it to stop. I decided one last attempt to look straight back at her and make it stop, else I would approach her directly.
I looked up at her. She turned her face, checked to see if her son had eaten fine and walked off to pay the bill.
As she walked out I was sure she would look back and she did. (Now don't think of the DDLJ "Palat" scene...she wasn't the kajol of my dreams)
Good riddance I sighed! I couldn't stop wondering what was up her mind. She had walked in much later than me, had barely eaten and left. There was something amiss somewhere.
I had lost my apetite as well and decided to leave. I went up to the cashier to pay the bill and he said
"You have already been paid for! The lady with the kid that sat across, paid for you!"

I don't think I am ever going to solve this mystery....

To care or to share is the question...

"To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer"

To quote William Shakespeare from Hamlet where he questions whether to passively accept and suffer through all the pains of life, fate throws at him, or to end in death these numerous troubles and ultimately end his pain.
The issue that is really bothering me these days is whether to care or to share.
I am all ears to friends who freely discuss their issues. I can patiently hear them out and give them advise when needed. Probably it is my inquistive nature, but I like listening to what is going on in their life. All my friends know that in case of any problems they can always fall back on me. But when it comes to me, I wonder why, but there is always a restrain. I somehow don't like talking about myself. I am not comfortable discussing about my issues only for the reason that I don't want to burden anyone with it and add to their worries. So I remain mum about them.
Now this has started to irk a couple of my friends who have started to complain that I don't share with them, don't talk to them as freely as they do. I don't know whats the solution to this. I guess people are inviting trouble. If they want to listen about me, I will only have complains and frustrations to share because thats the way life is treating moi.

So ain't it better that they give me their worries and in return I talk to them about everything under the sun..from cricket to bollywood..except my life.

Isn't it better to only care about them and have them share??

Guests at breakfast

The closest I have gone in having a pet.....

Remember the cute scene in which Amrish Puri feeds the pigeons with the now so famous "Aao Aao" in Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge.
Yes! It has been happening since a couple of weeks now. A similar scene takes place on my patio every morning. It started with one and now I have four Pigeons who join me at breakfast.
If you look out from my patio, bunch of pigeons can easily be spotted sitting on the cable wires, on top of the apartment buildings or on my neighbors window sill. They sleep there at night as well and no one disturbs them. If I ever found them sitting on my patio, I would shoo them away simply because of the mess they made with their droppings.
On one usual morning, where I as usual was getting late to work and quickly munching a bowl of cereal, this little creature started chirping in the patio. When you are eating and someone else is eyeing you and hungry, it is but human to offer food. Little did I realize that it would then become a morning ritual.
Sharp at 8, they land on the patio and wait patiently till I get done with my morning chores and prepare my breakfast. I drop them some food and then eat and watch them contently. It gives an immense feeling of satisfaction and peace.

I didn't see them last three days and presumed they would have found someone else to feed them. But I thought wrong, the reason was something else. Can you take a guess??

(Loved your reasoning...Sheela , Thanu and Rays of Sun. Rays of Sun you were partly correct)

As you know, we entered day light saving time zone on Sunday. Thus, in order to get an extra hour of light in the morning, we fall back (roll back) our watches by 1 hour. So the poor pigeons would come at 7, wait for food and then be disappointed and fly away. This morning I beat my alarm for a change, and woke up pretty early to find my breakfast companions waiting for me.
So now from tomorrow either I will have to get up early to feed them or the pigeons have to adapt their body cycle to the new time change..... I think it is going to be the former :)

Diwali Wishes

On this Diwali....

One sits back and thinks of the time gone by
Only to realize that surely it did fly

You recall all the events from previous years
when you celebrated it with your near and dears

And today a tiny tear rolls down your eye
As you look up at the stars in the sky

Here you are standing all miserable and alone
You don't want to celebrate but sit and mourn

The diyas and the candles that you did light
Give you the ray of hope and courage to fight

So today fold your hands and sit and pray
That success and happiness comes everyones way

Heres wishing you all a happy diwali and an enjoyable new year!!